Grief – The Great Equalizer

Musings About Grief – The Great Equalizer

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

― Vicki Harrison

Everyone I know – and indeed, everyone on Earth – at some point or another, must confront and face one of the most powerful emotions human beings will ever encounter: Grief.

I don’t mean grief in the sense of having made a bad decision, even though many of us certainly do grieve our poor decisions. Nor do I mean grief in the sense that we regret not spending more time with our loved ones. Yes, grief and regret can be synonyms in a certain context – but this isn’t the use, here. Nor do I mean the type of grief that comes from a divorce – as devastating as that can be.

I mean the grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one. THAT is a special type of grief that does not discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are black, white, red, blue, rich, poor, young, or old – it is the great equalizer.

At some point and at some time, you WILL have to deal with that level of grief.

What will you do? How will you handle it? Where do you derive strength from, and how resilient are you?

The reason I ask these questions – and am writing this Musing – is because it’s my turn to grieve.

On November 9th, my wife and I discovered that my 24-year-old son had passed away. We don’t know what happened. We may never know, to be honest. From the moment we heard, the grieving began.

We are grieving now – and will continue to grieve in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead. All the planning. All the ups and downs. All the waves of grief that rain down on us, capsizing our ship – only for us to recover and experience it all over again.

Grief does not care about who you are, where you live, what you believe, your level of strength, your emotional state, or your depth of resiliency; no, it merely exists and wrestles with each and every human being. No amount of money can buy it off. It does not discriminate or respect anyone.

Grief – The Great Equalizer, indeed.

Grief – It’s Prevalent

There is no exit to escape grief – ALL will deal with it

First, grief is prevalent. It is everywhere. It is inescapable. You WILL deal with it at some point in your life. Understanding this simple fact can help you begin to be intentional about building yourself up to face it.

Related: Read The Art of Intentionality in Your Life

This is a critical assessment, too; far too many people simply allow life to happen to them rather than being intentional, and grief is something that hits you out of nowhere. And when it does? Most people are wholly unprepared.

By at least acknowledging this to be true, you are well on your way to building a foundation to deal with grief.

Grief – It’s Personal

Grief is intensely personal

Next, we must understand that it is personal. You would think this would be fairly obvious – but you’d be wrong.

Too many believe that families grieve the loss, and on the surface, they do, but overall, it is at a deeply personal level where grief must be wrestled. Consequently, each person brings their grief to the collective dynamic (in this case, family), and it compounds around others.

When one person mourns, others mourn with them.

Meanwhile, when we don’t have sure footing about the nature of grief – that it is intensely personal – we are creating stumbling blocks for our own recovery.

Yes, mourn with and for others who are dealing with the same grief you are – but in the end, it is YOU who must come to terms with it. You have to live with yourself, and that includes how you perceive and deal with grief.

Grief – It’s Serious

Take grief seriously; the cost of not doing that could be more than you can bear

Grief is serious – so serious, in fact, we should not take it for granted. And yet, that is precisely what many of us do; we take life in little snippets, completely ignoring the fact that we can always make money – but once our time is gone? We can’t get that back. Time is the most precious resource we have; use it wisely.

If you do not recognize that grief is serious business, then I implore you to begin a perspective change ASAP. Don’t let a lack of taking grief seriously be the reason you become overwhelmed.

Grief – It’s Overwhelming

Grief can bring you to the end of your rope

What I see far too often, and this is very prevalent, especially in the trades, is men who put up an act, attempting to project themselves as this invincible guy – when inwardly, they are a mess.

They are putting up a Veil of Composure, if you will. That same veil is designed to create or project they are fine when really they are overwhelmed.

And we know what happens when they are overwhelmed. It’s no coincidence the construction industry has a suicide rate that is 4 times higher per capita than the general population. What’s more, since the construction industry is overwhelmingly comprised of men, NBC rightly notes that “Males have a significantly greater rate of suicide than females.”

Piling even more on, the trade that has the highest suicide rate is my own: Ironworkers. This hits home with me.

Lastly, we have eroding mental health across our society, no matter what occupation you’re a part of. Not only do you have to deal with the stress from your own occupation, but you must also deal with the potential stress life brings out on loved ones – increasing the chances grief will pummel you thoroughly.

All of this should make us stop and reflect on the nature of grief – that it’s often overwhelming and ultimately seeks to take even more lives.

Grief – It’s Defeatable

Yes- there IS light at the end of the tunnel concerning grief

The above paints a pretty grim picture, especially if you are more of a “glass half empty” kind of person. Allow me to shed some light and add to your cup, though: It can be defeated.

That’s right.

It CAN be overcome.

While grief is prevalent, it cannot possibly hope to match love.

While grief may be personal, the foundation to battle it CAN be strong.

While grief is serious, the things in life that matter – and ultimately restore – can be serious, too.

Grief is overwhelming, but so is the realization that it can be overcome.

Some find solace in other people around them. Others of us find strength from purpose, knowledge, and a relationship with God (🙋‍♂️). Still, some recognize grief for what it truly is – The Great Equalizer – and intentionally march forward no matter what.

Intentionality and resiliency are the best tools to use here. Ask questions. Talk to others who have been through what you are dealing with. How did they do it? What did they do? What would they do differently – and would they share that with you?

Be your brother’s keeper. Look out for one another. See the humanity in each other. Don’t attempt to do everything in your own strength; we were never meant to do life alone.

And while I grieve for the loss of my son in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead, I plan on doing all of the above.

What about you – what will you do when grief comes? Are you prepared for The Great Equalizer?

I pray that you will be.