Regret – The Unsuspecting Aspect of Grief

 

 

Musing About Regret – The Unsuspecting Aspect of Grief

 

 

As I sit and process the loss of my 24-year-old son recently, I’ve been reflecting on grief. I didn’t set out to write multiple musings about the grieving process, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. There’s no order per se, but the first one I wrote is – Grief, The Great Equalizer.

It’s said there are seven stages of grief. Most people know the number – but not the names of each stage. They are:

1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Depression
6. Acceptance & Hope
7. Processing Grief

 

Looking at how they are listed, it seems as though it’s a natural progression – linear – or one after another. Grief, however, does NOT work that way. As I’ve mentioned before, the best description of grief I’ve found comes from Vicki Harrison:

 

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

 

One minute, things seem fine.

Then you hear a song. Or see a photo. Or smell something, and the waves of grief come crashing down.

And that wave?

It may be denial. It could be depression. It may even be anger. Any of the seven stages could be contained in those waves that ebb and flow.

That isn’t the reason for this musing, though. What I want to highlight here is why no one ever mentions regret in the grieving process. It’s the thing I’m seeing most on the horizon.

 

Regret – A Missing Phase

Most people I’ve talked to recently mentioned guilt. More specifically, they told me not to play the blame game others do. You know, the “It’s my fault” line.

Others have noted how depression comes in and cleans house.

And I’ve even heard a time or two how some feel angry. Angry at the loss, angry at the empty feeling that has become a semi-permanent fixture in their life. Angry at everyone and everything.

But I can’t recall a single person who’s mentioned regret. I’m sure there are people who’ve dealt with it – but I am surprised at how much I see it now that I am on the other side of this. It makes me wonder if others have wrestled with it to the degree I do. Moreover, where does it fit in the whole process of grief – what stage can one expect it to be in?

 

Regret – Where Does it Belong?

 

I don’t know exactly where regret fits in, to be honest. Shock seems a strange place to find it. Denial seems straightforward – and a bit askew to find regret. To see it in anger doesn’t seem right, either.  I don’t believe it fits in with bargaining – but that’s exactly where some believe it fits. Depression seems – at least to me, anyway – the most likely place. The thing is, though, is that I don’t feel depressed. I have moments when I am overcome with grief – but I don’t associate them with depression. Acceptance and hope don’t make sense, nor does processing grief.

To be sure, someone out there will read this and want to add their two cents, telling everyone exactly where it fits. But to me, there isn’t a precision fit.

What’s more, it wasn’t something I was prepared to face. And, when you aren’t prepared to face something, how do you deal with it?

 

Regret – How Do You Deal With it?

 

I don’t have to define regret – everyone has experienced it. But how do you deal with it?

Regret deals explicitly with time, and once your time is gone, it’s gone. You can’t get it back – and in its place, you are left with regret. Not memories – regret.

That’s the thing: regret muscles in where it doesn’t belong. Instead of the memories we had, made, and found happiness in, regret comes in and steals your joy. Even worse, coupled with regret is sadness. They are two sides of the same coin, and you cannot face one without the other. I maintain that it’s best to know as much of a problem as possible so your solution can be equally effective.

Still, that begs the question: how do you deal with it?

Is there anyone out there who it doesn’t affect – that doesn’t wrestle with it? Can you even ignore it? Do you dismiss it outright? Let it invade your thoughts, acknowledge the “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” aspect that regret brings up, and then move on?

“I should have spent more time with him.”

“I shouldn’t have been so hard on him.”

“I should have helped him out more.”

“I could have done more to help him.”

“I could have…”

The regret questions are endless – as I’m sure many readers are aware.

In the end, I am unsure how to deal with regret. Up until this point, I’ve been ignoring it for the most part, facing it when I start to really think how much I miss him. It could be I am right, or it could be that I am wrong. What’s just as likely, though, is that dealing with regret is extremely personal, and the adaptive approach one takes is personal, too.

I hope no one ever has to deal with regret like this.

It’s completely devastating.