How many of us have friends?

***Updated for 2023***

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation” – Henry David Thoreau

The catalyst for this article, is the passing of a dear friend of mine, suddenly and unexpectedly. This has proven to be devastating for not only his family but friends also. His death leaves a gap and a void that will never be filled. As such, I found myself with something to say and put words to paper.

We speak of the brotherhood all the time – but how many are really just acquaintances?

After his memorial service I began to think about his friendship, what it meant to me, and the impact he had. I took his passing really hard and that meant he had an impact, which got me thinking: how many of us have friends? Friends who impact us in such a remarkable way we mourn their loss with a heavy heart?

Now, just so I’m clear on this, I feel the need to lay a little groundwork. Many of us, if we’re asked, would say we have friends but what many of us really have are acquaintances. There’s nothing wrong with them and most who pass through your life fall into this category. Friends, though, real ones who you can really trust and lean on, are very few.

The American Survey Center states just 27% of men report having 6 or more close friends – while 15% say they have no close friendships AT ALL. I suspect that the last number is higher than reported – with those in the skilled trades making up the majority.

Since time is of great importance, and real friends are few indeed, let’s look at a solid foundational definition for friends.

Friends – Surface and Real ones

How many friends could we REALLY count on when times are rough?

According to Oxford Dictionary, a friend is defined as, “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

Now, that’s all fine and good but truthfully that doesn’t go deep enough in my opinion. We all go around saying we have friends but if we stop and think about it we categorize them into levels, a hierarchy if you will. We have an inner circle of a few people (well, we should anyhow) who we trust implicitly. Those who you can call anytime (and I mean ANYTIME), share anything with, and will listen, help, and go the extra mile because you are their friend. AND, this is a big one, they do this not expecting anything in return. They are your friend and want the best for you. THAT is a friend.

Hopefully, that past paragraph caused you to think about who the person(s) is/are. Think carefully and see what you come up with and name(s) should come to mind. Those individuals are your go to and you should not only thank them but also reciprocate. Some, though, may not be able to think of anyone, and that is bad. Life is not meant to go through alone; people need others in so many ways we don’t think of and friends fall into that category.

Why do I even ask this? After all, it’s one thing to say life isn’t made to go it alone but to act upon that truth is another thing altogether. Someone may say they have tons of friends but I’m calling them out on that because at the core, friends – good friends – take something from us. There is a price to pay for their friendship and we only have so much to give.

And no, I’m not contradicting my earlier statement: “Those who you can call anytime (and I mean ANYTIME), share anything with, and will listen, help, and go the extra mile because you are their friend. AND, this is a big one, they do this not expecting anything in return. They are your friend and want the best for you. THAT is a friend.”

The reason? To have friends, those worthy of the statement above takes time; that’s the price you pay, and what a steep price it is. The thing is, though, you’ve already paid the price by investing in them – spending time with them. Check out my post on time, and how it is the most important asset, for more information.

How much time do we really have?

I don’t know about you but I can say with confidence I only have a few core friends with others orbiting the nucleus. And out of those inner few one friend emerged ahead of the others. That person, above all others, is the one you are the closest to. You can share anything with them and they don’t judge; they merely listen, help, lend a hand, etc.

If you don’t have a person like that you may want to reflect on your life and why you don’t have someone like that. You are missing out on a richness that is superb; it’s so satisfying and rewarding when you have those deep friendships.

I want to carve out a section of this post to discuss some of the reasons why we don’t have friends – and see if we can’t gain a new lease on life in the process.

You don’t want to take the time required

It takes a lot of time to make friends – but those who have them can attest to the benefit

I’m sure this is a prominent one and can be coined a different way: lazy. We can be too lazy to take the time to get to know some people, focusing on us instead. We are creatures who look for comfort and seek it at a great cost we sometimes don’t see. It’s a common thing I’m sure happens all too often. Unfortunately, we are too content to pay the price because we didn’t read the fine print and by then there are no refunds. We don’t get a do-over like a game.

Fear of letting down your guard

Opening the locks and letting people get to know us is intimidating – but you will NEVER have friends otherwise

I suspect this reason, subconsciously or deliberately, is a very important one why we don’t have real friends. Maybe this is because we have been burned before; trusted someone and they betrayed us. Or maybe we’ve seen it done to someone else we know. It’s likely to have happened in the past with a romantic partner and we project that to our friendships. After all, some people will have friends who are closer than their romantic entanglements for much of their life and they simply do not want to get hurt. Instead, they remain guarded and distant, missing out on a lot during their lifetime.

Whatever the reason and whatever the fear associated with it, perceived or real, it is a hindrance to a fulfilled life. Essentially, it is no different than the one who fears failure and in turn, attempts nothing.

Friends and the skilled trades

We spend so much time at work around others who share our work

There is something else I want to touch on while I’m talking about friends and it involves the skilled trades. Over the many years that I have been in the game, I have seen the law of acquaintances played out time and time again. As job sites change, we interact with many from the various trades and may not see them again for quite some time. You would think this would make for more acquaintances and fewer chances for friends – but it’s a strange thing to behold with skilled trades. It’s different than those in the office. Office personnel have a bond to be sure but in many ways, they aren’t as mobile – they are more static. Not so with those in the trades. I have seen bonds form and brotherhoods emerge as a result. It’s sort of like a club where everyone knows the aspects, problems, and struggles each faces. There is a closeness and community for sure.

The danger, though, is as I’ve said before: one could potentially end up with a lot of acquaintances and no real friends – which is a real scenario many men face. And I am not the only one who notes this, either. You can check out more here, here, here, here, here, here, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I just happen to be the one discussing it with those in the skilled trades.

This is exacerbated by the long hours and rough conditions we face on the various job sites. Because this is so, many will have to be intentional to ensure they have some true friends. If not, we stand a greater chance of turning to something unhealthy in place of solid friends. Some of those unhealthy vices include alcohol, drugs, crime, violence, etc.; all things people turn to instead of wrestling with their issues. Without friends in our corner to help us navigate troubled water these can quickly become destructive.

So, what is the problem with not having friends?

If many are honest with themselves, they are just like this guy – all alone

The main reason I advocate for those in the skilled trades (almost comprised entirely of men – so that is who I am talking to) to have friends is because of the ramifications and consequences if they do not. Depression, anxiety, and loneliness all stalk those who have no real friends. They lead lives of quiet desperation as Thoreau said. They also have poorer mental health – and THIS is what I want to help people with. 

Suicide Prevention

People would rather hear your problems than attend your funeral – and friends fill a void

OSHA states the suicide rate is 4 TIMES HIGHER than the general population. The CDC states that suicides are 5 TIMES MORE than construction fatalities. And according to this CDC report, a whopping 40% of those surveyed report struggling with mental health and substance abuse. 

There is increased emphasis on mental health in America and for good reason: the suicide epidemic is staggering, rising to the 10th leading cause of death. 

This has given rise to solutions like Better Help – online options for someone to talk to as well as suicide prevention hotlines – dialing 988.

These are good – and I do not want to diminish any options – but I want to talk about one area that has an enormous impact if we take the time to invest: HAVING FRIENDS.

The University of Arizona understands this. Project Child Safe does too. And so do we here at The Wealthy Ironworker. It’s the reason we advocate for good, genuine, and solid friends and when you have someone to talk to, it literally could be the difference between life and death. Again, those in your life (even if you do not have friends) would rather hear from you via a phone call as opposed to attending your funeral. 

We highly advocate for those of us in the skilled trades to be intentional, take the time to make genuine friends, and invest in it. And if you aren’t in need of someone to talk to then perhaps you’ll be someone else’s safe haven. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Conclusion

 

All in all, without friends we lack the richness life was meant to have. We are undoubtedly poorer without friendships and too often find ourselves lacking in this area. There is a very real need for true friends in all areas and seasons of our life and we desperately NEED friends, whether we admit it or not; this much we know.

What isn’t easily discernable, or advisable, is how you deal with the loss of those close and true friends. Dealing with that is different than if you had no friends at all. In reality, it hurts more. I suspect this is a major reason why some try to insulate themselves from the pain by not having close friends – because it is very painful. I know because, as I wrote earlier, I just lost my best friend and I can certainly attest to the pain of dealing with the loss – because it is real. Despite this fact, I still believe the old saying “better to have loved and lost is better than to not have loved at all” is true. Because I believe this, I am a wealthier man for having known my friend, even though I mourn him now that he has passed.

Though there is pain, loss, and grief I ask again: how many of us have friends?